What I really really want (And how I’m going to get it)

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What I really, really, really want:

To be in the best shape of my life
To make a living helping others realize their best selves
To have deep and meaningful and loving relationship and friendships
To become the best me that I can be
To travel the world
To be a loving, strong, resilient, beautiful soul
To express myself and be creative
To truly love & respect myself
To live a life of no regrets

And I will get there.

Because I’m going to do my ultimate very best.

One of the biggest things I’ve realized is how much effort we really put into the things we say we really, really want.  So many people, especially me, have said something to the effect of: “I’m really trying and I want this to happen, but it just doesn’t seem to be working out.”  Or there’s a distraction. Or a bump in the road.  Or it doesn’t seem practical.  Or someone doesn’t approve.

Yet if I really, really, really want this thing…am I really truly trying really, really, really hard for it?

Am I doing my ultimate very best?

The answer always strikes me in the best of ways.  Because I am forced to admit that no, I’m not doing my very best.  Because I’m afraid.

I’m afraid that if I do my very very best and I fail, I’m an even bigger failure than if I just “tried”.  I’m afraid that the effort would be wasted.  I’m afraid of being afraid.

Yet if I’m TRYING, and nothing much is happening yet, what good is that doing?!  That means I’m “just trying” for something that I really, really want.  That has no balance or reason to it.

I firmly believe that if I try my very best, even if never reach my ultimate goal, something would have come out of it all.  A new path, new connections, a new outlook on life.  And at the very least, on my deathbed I can look back and smile and say that I tried my very best; as opposed to wishing I had tried harder.

So I’ve begun to catch myself before I start to complain about something.  And I ask if I’m really doing something about it–really, really, really trying my best to do something about it.  And if the answer is no (it always is), I shut up and remind myself that I have the power and potential to do anything I want.  The potential is always there, just waiting.  It’s up to the person owning it to use it and make it worth something.

So I look at my list of things and ask “why not”?

Because I’ve been holding back out of fear of failure. Because I’ve been lazy.  Because there’s not enough time or money.

Then, “What could I do right this moment to try harder than before?”

I could change out of my home clothes, put on my shoes and go on a hike.  I could stop eating out so much and save money for my trip.  I could spread more ideas to more people regardless of the reception I get.  I could replace my time-wasting with productivity.  I could create my own style from scratch. And that’s just the start. I could do so many things that I’m not doing, and I make a long list and look at it.   It’s proof that there’s so many ways.  I just need to bring the will.

And the days that I do bring it are the days that I feel awesome when I finally get into bed.  I may not have seen any direct results that day, but I know that I did my best to take a step towards what I really want.  And that feels SO much better than just trying. Or thinking about trying. Trying to try.

And some days trying my best feels most honest when I’m allowing myself to relax and have time to myself.  It’s not always about going at full speed.  It’s being aware.

And it can be a long and slow and sometimes painful process, but it’s in the name of trying my very best for the things I really really really want.

So what do we really REALLY want?  How badly?  And how hard are we trying?

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