I could blame living in Hollywood, I could blame society, I could blame the media…from the billboards to the ads on my sidebar. But in truth it is all a choice how much I want it to affect me.
I’m giving up trying to be my best self. I realized recently that forcing myself to be well-behaved, to say the ‘right’ things, to try to always analyze what I should best do in a situation to get the best result that I want — it’s completely missing the point. It’s isn’t authentic and it’s trying way too hard to become rather than to just be.
More than ever before I noticed I’m obsessing about looking ‘right’ to people, creating the right image verbally and visually. More than ever I had been feeling alienated because I’m not in-the-know about the most recent movies, shows, celebrities. More than ever I’ve been feeling like an outsider who may not have any business here.
And that’s when I realized that I was doing all the alienating. No one has been pushing me away or overtly judging me — in fact I’ve been making closer friendships and enjoying more heartfelt conversation. I’m the one who’s been saying “sorry, I’m weird, I don’t watch much TV,” and taking extra notice when I have nothing to say in a group discussing such matters. I’ve been judging myself harshly — no one else.
I ask myself why I’m so into self-improvement and practical philosophy, as if I need an excuse to be so into my own matters. Where am I trying to get to?
I’ve always been attempting to morph into a strong-minded, kind-hearted, fun-loving, life-embracing woman who does the highest good for herself and others. There was always this perfect version of myself that I knew I could get to if I kept learning and growing.
But what happened in the meantime was that I began to repress things that were natural to me. One of my new years resolutions was to watch more movies so I could be more in-the-know. While taking my life coaching course I began to over-analyze whether I fit in with what a life coach ‘should’ look like, and began to mentally berate myself for not appearing more professional.
I realize now that I was probably more of a strong-minded, kind-hearted, fun-loving, life-embracing woman a decade ago; running around in cut-off army pants and facial piercings, and joyously taking in all life had to offer. Now I see that I’ve repressed that outlook, that acceptance, that punky self-pride and relief of rebellion. Now I find myself looking at fashionistas strolling around and wondering if I am wearing something acceptable in their eyes.
Giving up my goal of becoming my best self has been replaced with just being my genuine self.
I know that underneath the fears I’ve been trying so hard to conquer, is a person who is all those loving qualities I’ve always wanted. I know that’s who I really am, and it’s only when my self-doubt kicks in that I become someone lesser.
Instead of trying so hard to become, I’m going to focus on un-becoming. Unbecoming all the filters, restrictions, judgments I’ve subject myself to — me, no one else — and stop fighting myself.
The more I’ve tried to cover up and go against my own grain, the more spite I’ve held towards myself and others. I know that changes will be made much easier once I stop fighting and let myself be me.
So, ok. This is my life, and this is the real me.